I survived.

My daughter decided she wanted to go to IHOP this morning, which I was fine with, since I dont care much for their food. Well, we got there and people were actually parked on the SIDE of the road to get in there. WHAT??? Where they giving crap away? Hot damn. Needless to say, we didnt go, so her second choice was the Golden Correll....an all you can eat buffet.

I made a point to have a protein shake before we went, and we got into line and paid for the buffets, I had to almost get pissy with the guy when I told him once it was 1 adult, since I was not eating, and he charged us anyway.

My husband requested I get food for our son, and as soon as I got up there and smelled the food I wanted to die on it. Its like the part in Twilight, when James smells Bella....yeah, thats what I felt like. I started to breathe through my mouth and hurried to take the plate back to the table.

I fed him while my husband and daughter went up to get plates. And I have to say, when you arent eating, its amazing the things you see. I also wondered if I was that gross looking at that restaurant just a month ago. Watching people SHOVEL food into their mouths, and jiggle their way back for more until they look like they could litterly explode like Violet from Willy Wonka.

I am proud of myself. I made it through, and by the time they were done eating, I found myself wondering "How can you even eat that much"?

I cant say I dont look forward to eating, because Lord knows I'll be in the doctors office tomorrow BEGGING to be put on mushies sooner.

So the moral of this story kids....All you can eat buffets are the devil.

Well, I dehydrated.

I have had this weird feeling in my feet the past two days. Like they are numb, or when they go to sleep. It was getting increasingly worse through today so I called Dr H's office to ask what they thought, and they told me I should go to the ER to get checked. I immedietly started to panic and prayed it wasnt a blood clot.

After a lot of scrambling and finding someone to watch the kids I got down to the ER a little before 5. I went back and did the usual testing, then they hooked me up for an IV. The NP came in and said I was pretty dehydrated, and a resident would be down to talk to me about my feet problems.

So I sat there "eating" my bag (as my husband said), and about 6:30 the resident came in and said he has never heard anything like this, nor has my surgon. He said he thought my B12 was probably low (which Im sure it was since it was low pre-surgery), and they gave me a multi-vitamin liquid (that tasted like ass), and a B12 shot and sent me on my way. They told me if the numbless increases and/or goes into my legs I need to get back ASAP.

I thought I was getting enough liquids, but I guess I'm not, which worries me. I cant stand anymore broth, or jello, or stupid popsicles. My dad keeps asking me how anyone can survive on so little, and I'm not really sure the answer.

Im going to write down everything I drink at this rate, I cant afford to be back in the hospital. I think I might beg my doctor monday to let me have more then just protein shakes and yougurt...maybe I can have some eggs or just SOMETHING.

I really can see its all worth it

The smell of waffles in the morning, the lasgana and garlic bread from last night cant put a price on what the scale told me this morning.

Down.

7lbs

in

4 days.

OMG

I'm feeling a little more confident today. My husband said he was going to take me to Old Navy today since there clothes are on sale, so I thought I could pick up a few more "goal" outfits. I'm not going to buy a lot because I dont want have a lot of clothes that wont fit me soon enough, but it makes me good to go shopping (shopping is my next evil addiction LOL). We also have to go and get our daughter some new jeans since she apparently eats hers.

I hope all of my fellow recent band sisters are doing well, and I want to thank all of you for the support. Its really hard when people dont understand what we're going through, and its so nice to be able to go on this journey with you all.

And a big thank you to all of my friends, you are all so amazing and I cant believe how blessed I am to have such a wonderful support group!

Day 3-What did I do?

They always say the 3rd day of quitting something is the hardest, whether it be smoking, drinking, or in my case food. My husband was making breakfast for the kids and it was really hard for me to watch them eat. I just want something other then stupid broth and popsicles.

I told him I wanted to get out of the house for awhile, so we went to Target, where, I had another massive breakdown. We stood in the Easter candy isle and I just cried and said I would never get to eat this ever again, and insisted we moved to another isle. He of course was buying himself bags of candy and chocolate. I know I cant change the way he eats but it just doesnt seem fair.

I cried again at the checkout and told him he didnt understand what this was like going through this. I told him I regretted doing this and all I wanted was something. He kept saying "Once you heal you can have food again", but I would just rather tell myself I'll never eat candy or chocolate again, which is really heartbreaking.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. I'm afraid I'm going to have a psychologial breakdown over food. Its just food....its just food....isnt it?

There is a group meeting next Wednesday which I plan on attending. I also look forward to Monday b/c that is my check up and I should be able to move to phase two liquids. I'll be so happy to drink a protein shake...

I guess on the bright side, I got on the scale today (hoping its even right) and it read 272, which means that makes me 5lbs down from Monday.

Day 2-Post Op

Since I was able to sucessfully go to the bathroom several times I was going to finally go home. I couldnt believe it was already Wednesday. The resident came in, asked me how I was feeling, and told me I would be able to go home hopefully around 9.

Of course the nurses were too busy for me, and 9 came and went. My nurse came in and I asked her if she would unhook me so I could shower and get ready to leave, but she said I still had a "cocktail" I needed to have before I could go. I started to cry again and insisted to go home. She told me I could be out of here about 10, that it wouldnt take long.

I paced the halls and tried to watch tv to pass the time. I ordered myself some applce juice and jello but I really didnt want it. At 10 she finally unhooked me and said they'd get the discharge papers together so I could go. She asked me if I wanted to shower and I told her no, I just wanted to get dressed and go.

Of course I had to hound the nurses aid several times for my nurse to get my papers. Rick was here at 10:20 to get me and I didnt get to leave until almost 10:45. I wasnt waiting for transport so I grabbed my bag and my pillow and walked myself out.

I was so happy to be home. First thing I did was get a shower, then I laid down for awhile. It was good to be home, but I knew this was just going to be the beginning of some hard times ahead. Seeing all of this food at home was so hard for me. I opened up a box of chicken wings and just sniffed them. I really hope I did the right thing, because I was starting to feel like this wasnt such a good idea...




My battle scars



Beautiful flowers from one of my favorite people in the world, Becky :)



The balloon that came with them :)

Day 1-Post Op

I slept like crap that night, which I figured I would. I was pushing my pain pump every 8 minutes. After about 4 pumps I could feel enough relief where I was getting about 2 hours of sleep each time.

I got up around 1am and walked around a little more. I was still attached to oxygen, the cath, and the pressure socks, so I had to call a nurse to come in and help me. I really loved my nurses that night. They were very sweet and I enjoyed talking to them. They were very impressed on how much I was moving, but I knew that it wasnt going to last much longer, I was started to feel pain a lot more and the pain in my chest and shoulder from the gas was horrible.

By the morning I felt more drained then I did before I went to sleep. I was up and moving around 7am, and I met one of the nurses who was in her second year of nursing school. Her name was Gina, and she was going to be assisting my nurse today. She came in around 8 and asked me some questions, which I was ok with. You cant learn in a teaching hospital if you dont ask. She asked me if she could go down with me to see my Upper GI being done, and I told her that would be fine, I would like the company.

They took me down a little after 8:30 for the test. Gina and I sat and talked about kids, college, clothing, and just random things. She's real nice, and I think she'll make a great nurse someday. That barium swallow was just horrible, especially since it was the first thing I've had in days. I got back to my room around 9 and asked if I could have my cath out so I could shower.

The nurse came back in a little after 10 and told me I passed the GI test and I could have something. She brought water in and told me I had to drink 30cc's every half hour for 2 hours, then I could order some broth and jello off the menu.

I was exhausted by then, and was having a hard time even staying awake, but I knew I'd be going home in a few hours, which made it better. By noon I was uncathed and had some chicken broth and strawberry jello. I swear it was the most delicious thing I'd ever tasted.

The nurses kept asking me if I had gone to the bathroom on my own yet, and I felt like I had to go, but I couldnt get it out. Eventually they told me if I didnt go the doctor might make me stay. I started to cry hysterically and told them I just wanted to go home. I sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes at a time, trying my hardest (without pushing) to go, I had no success. They did a single cath on me and of course I filled the bag. I begged my nurse Shelly to let me go home, but she said I would have to stay now to make sure I wasnt going to develop a bladder infection.

My phone was almost dead, I've been alone in the hospital all day, and now I was told I'd have to stay another night. Everyone started calling and texting my phone to see if I was home and I just ignored the calls.

My stepdad did eventually stop down for awhile to see me, and brought me my charger. It was nice to see someone. I felt very isolated and alone. And sure enough, after he left I went to the bathroom. It was after 8pm and I knew they werent going to let me go home this late.

I didnt care at all for the nurses I had this night. It took them 2 hours to get me my Roxocet and Ambien. I didnt get them til almost 11. I felt very left out and uncared for. Thankfully, all I had hooked to me was my IV so at this rate I was able to just unplug it and move about on my own.

I slept even worse then I did the night before...

Operation Day

I'm going to do this in 3 parts. I like to be descriptive and write down everything I can remember, so I'm going to start here.

We got to the hospital about 11:30, and went up to the 3rd floor to check me in. I forgot to take my tongue ring out so Rick and I struggled to get it out (I think it was too tight). I started to cry when we couldnt get it out because I was so afraid they'd cancel the surgery. I decided to try one last time when I got back to my pre-op room.

They called my name about 12:30, and I went back into pre-op. I got changed and they took vitals, blood, etc. Thankfully, with the help of some rubber gloves, Rick was able to get my tongue ring out. We sat back there and a few people came in and out and introduced themselves. The anaesthesiologist, the resident doctor, the anesthetist, and finally Dr Hamad came in. She said they were prepping the area and I should be headed back there in about 20 minutes. I was really shocked how fast it went, I thought it would be almost 3 before I got in.

I started to freak a little and cried and told Rick I didnt think I wanted to do this anymore. He hugged me and re-assured me I was going to be great. Then the anesthetist came back and he gave me something to take the edge off. That was a beautiful thing. I told Rick I loved him and they wheeled me back into the operating room. I have to say if it wasnt for those drugs I would probably have ran away.

They got me onto the table and started prepping me. The nurse in there was so sweet. She asked me about my kids, and how I was doing, and I told her (mind you I was very loopy by now), that I was going to be on Dr Hamads wall of fame, and I could hear her laugh from across the room. One of the other nurses told me how beautiful I was and how amazing I was going to do, then I was given the mask and off I went.

I may or may not have woken up before going to the post-op area. I think that I heard Dr Hamad say it was done and everything was great. Recovery was awful for me. I couldnt snap out of it (although the nurses insisted I did just fine). I remember trying so many times to open my eyes, and I would briefly, but since I didnt have my glasses I couldnt see. Eventually I came around and I was able to hold my head up enough and muster out "I want to see my husband now".

I was wheeled up to my room, 4173, where I saw Rick waiting for me. I was so happy to see him. They got all of my medications and pain meds hooked up, took my vitals, and I was able to sit up for awhile and talk to Rick. He gave me a stuffed frog named Luvvies, and he started making calls to let everyone I was doing ok.

My mouth was horribly dry, and since I wasnt allowed anything my tongue was actually getting stuck to my lips when I would try to lick them. Eventually they brought me in a mouth swab but told me I wasnt allowed the water, which was fine, I wasnt in the mood for anything.

I made Rick leave about 7:30, and then I got up for a brief period and walked around. I felt really good, too bad that was the best I was going to feel for awhile...

Happy Re-Birthday to me

Its 10:18am. I swear time wants to go backwards. We're going to leave here in about an hour to get down to the hospital.

I cant believe today is the day. I am so unbelievably nervous. I know everything will be fine but its still scary.

I didnt get a chance to take "before" pics, so I'll just have my husband take them when I get home.

Also, good luck to Janelle today and for you other wonderful gals who are going in this week. I wish you all the best of luck!

Happy Re-birthday to me :)

I'm starting to freak.

I'm hungry :( I know its only 11am and I'm drinking coffee and wishing I had something to eat. These next two days are going to suck, and of course I have to go grocery shopping today. Nothing like being on clears and going food shopping. Then I again I dont have anything for me to even have, minus broth, which I'm saving for when I get really desperate. I need to go get some SF juice and all that jazz.

I'm really starting to freak a little. I know the surgery is simple but the fear is still there, as well as the anxiety. I know this is all for the best for me but I cant help but sit here and ask myself how I let myself get this bad. Why couldnt I do this on my own? Why did I let myself get this fat?

And of course the fears of me not losing weight are already setting in and scaring me. What if I STILL cant do this, even if I do everything right? What happens if I do lose weight but I become so obsessed that even after I hit goal I dont stop? I guess part of me almost wishes that. I know how retarded it sounds.

I need to get working with my therapist soon. You think this would be an easy process. Your fat, you lose weight, your amazing. Yeah, I wish.

Final appointment before surgery

I am down 4.7lbs. Its not the 10-15 pound goal I had hoped, but honestly, I think after I do the 2 days of clear liquids this weekend, I'll probably be down another 4lbs. I'm still proud. I cheated a tiny but but I've been working at it,and a loss is MUCH better then a gain.

I walked into their office this morning almost ready to piss rainbows LOL. I was in a great mood and I was smiling and laughing so much the nurse probably thought I was nuts haha. I am just SOOOO excited. I told the nurse I was going to be one of the patients the doctors had on the "wall of fame".



I asked a few questions to the doctor and got everything I needed answered. I feel very knowledgable and ready for this. I cant wait! They said I'll get a call Friday afternoon to find out what time I need to be at the hospital on Monday.

I'm going to have my husband take pictures of me this weekend. If I feel brave enough (LOL) I'll post them. I'll probably be spending a lot of time cleaning, doing laundry, and getting the grocery shopping done since I'll be out of commission for about a week. I also need to remember to fill my pain reliever prescription and my gull bladder prescription. Lots to do!

Oh, and I completely forgot today was Ash Wednesday, and I ate a Lean Cusine Southwest Chicken penneni for lunch. OOOPS!

Oh, wanted to mention, a lot of you other LB girls are doing that pre-op diet, my doc said I didnt have to do anything like that, and they dont do it unless people have A LOT of weight to lose, which kinda surprised me since I think some of you are actually less then me. But thats here nor there, and I have a few days left to eat food LOL.

Sooooooooooooooooo excited!! YAY me!

Its got to be illegal to be this hungry

What a major suckfest. I'm only on "day 2" of my pre-op diet (which I should state I went on myself, my dr didnt tell me anything). I know everyones pre-op is tailored to different people, but it seems this is the one everyone is on.

1 protein shake for breakfast (with my coffee of course)
1 protein shake for lunch
And at this rate just a low calorie dinner (apparently everyone in the world has gone out and bought every Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers dinner on the face of the planet).

I feel sick, all of the time. I broke down this afternoon and had a protein bar, because I thought I was going to pass out on the floor at Target. (Which, by the way, had NO premade meals.) I dont understand how people can live on 400-500 calories, I cant also figure out how ANYONE would want to be anorexic. Then again, I'm sure people wonder how a person like me could shove almost 2500 calories+ in their mouth a day.

I was supposed to see the PCP to get my clearance form filled out last Thursday, but of course this awful storm closed their office. Its re-scheduled for Monday but good 'ol weatherman is saying we could get another half a foot dumped on us again. Fanfuckingtastic.

I just lifted my son out of his highchair, and it was such a struggle. I have no strength, none. How can I survive another 8 days like this? There is no way it can get easier, but I can pray it will.

I still hate the scale. Its been reeking havoc on my mind. I know I'm a scale whore, but it would be nice to know what I actually DO weigh, instead of seeing 4 diffrerent weights through the day.

I wish I could stop whining, but I feel so poorly and I know its because I went from eating a gazillion calories a day to about 500.

Please let the next 8 days go quickly....

Another one bites the dust.

I have to say, I'm really proud of myself. I've lost 3lbs since I last wrote (which was what? Tuesday?) I've been writing down everything I eat as well as how many calories are in each item. Right now I'm trying to stick to 1500 calories a day, until next Friday when I start my 10 day liquid diet.

The first day, I have to be honest, I felt like I was starving, all of the time. Yesterday, I really wasnt hungry at all, in fact, I only ate about 700 calories. Today, a bit of in between. I was craving Hershey Kisses and instead of smacking myself for even considering them, I had them. I counted out 9 kisses (suggested serving size) and I ate them slowly, and I have to say I enjoyed them a lot more I believe.

I did buy an anniversery cake for my husband and I, since our 2nd wedding anniversery is on Tuesday, and I plan to eat my share and not feel guilty, since it will be one of my last indulging guilty pleasures for awhile. (I'll come back and post a picture of it later)

I am so psyched for my surgery. It really is the only thing I think about, day in and day out. Which might be a little obsessive, especially since I cant stay off the scale. I've decided the weight I see about 2 hours after I wake up is the weight I stick with. I hate being scale obsessed, but its so amazing to see how much my weight changes throughout the day.

If I can stick to this losing a pound a day I'll be in good shape when surgery time comes. Keeping my thoughts positive and my head held high.

Pay attention to what you put in your mouth, it could kill you

I went out and bought a better scale today. The one I had now was a horrible piece of crap and never gave me the same weight twice. Oddly enough I ended up buying the Biggest Loser scale, it was on sale and I heard some pretty good things about it.

Well of course I step on the scale and it couldnt have read more accurate, but to my dismay I have gained another 1.5lbs. This just makes me want to work that much harder.

I bought myself a few of my own "staple" items. I like to eat cereal but lately I havent made the best choices, so I bought the special K chocolatey delight and 1% milk. Its amazing that there is a 40 calorie difference between whole and 1%. I also picked up some more of my protein shakes and a box of the protein bars. Since the protein bars are $7 for a box of 4, I think I will just these to control my chocolate cravings I seem to get around 7:30-8pm.

I am also documenting all of the calories that go into my mouth. I know this is the best way to lose weight, is to write it all down.

But besides that, I got all of my information from the surgon today, and it was actually a relief that they have already scheduled my follow up appointments. I have a 7 day, 6 week, and 12 week appointments already scheduled. The 6 and 12 week appoinments are for my fills and progress.

Lets hope I can get this 1.5lbs off by at least Thursday.

21 days, time to challenge myself.

I made the appointment today with my PCP (well, not my actual PCP since she's only a PA) for the 11th to get my clearance. Whats so great is thats next week. I love when months start on Mondays, they seem to go faster.

I've been doing a lot of wrong the past week. I've been eating everything in sight and I know that if I dont stop my surgery could be cancelled. I've decided to challenge myself. I have 21 days left until my surgery, so starting tomorrow, I am going to challenge myself to lose 20lbs in 20 days. Its going to be really hard but its also going to jump start me for my new life.

I'll be getting weighed next Thursday at my PCP's, so that will be my first "checkpoint". I will be weighed again at the surgons on the 17th, so that will be closely the last "checkpoint" for me until the 22nd.

I'm also heading back into the gym for these next 20 days. I'm going to do 1 hour of cardio at least 3 days a week.

Wish me luck, lord knows I'll need it!

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter