24 Days

24 days until my surgery. I couldn't wait any longer so I called the surgons office this morning. They said because I was supposed to be off of birth control for a month that I would have to wait. I was a little disappointed but it will give me time to prepare a little more. She said they do the surgeries on Monday and Fridays and gave me the decision for the 22nd or the 26th, and I chose the 22nd because I just cant wait any longer.

I have a pre-operative visit with Dr Hamad on the 17th, and they'll give me my prescriptions I'll need and information I'll need to know when I leave the hospital. Tentatively I'll go in around 10:30 in the morning so I'll get to go home the next morning.

I have no idea whats going to happen when I get home. I dont know who's going to be able to be here to help me once Rick goes back to work. I cant expect people to just call off work and spend 2 weeks at my house, but I feel like I'm not going to have much of a support system. I know it sounds terrible but everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and have things to do, and I cant expect them to change everything for me. I wont be able to lift Lucas for at least 3 weeks, and that is really going to make it hard because I have to drive Hollie to school (I dont know what the "rules" are yet for driving) and I wont be able to lift him into the car, or into his highchair, or in his crib.

I should be so excited, but I'm stressed. I'm hoping things will fall into place and we can work things out. Rick and I are supposed to talk tonight but I'm sure it'll be like the big white elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about.

24 days....24 days...

The call I've been waiting for.

I got a call from the surgons office this morning. I told her I was just about to call her and she said "Oh?" I told her I was going to let her know that Lifeline sleep center faxed over the information they needed for my CPAP, and I also got all of the bloodwork (11 viles!!) done they needed this morning. She said that was very good, and asked me if I still was using my nuva ring. (I read in my booklet that I was given you are to stop birth control 1 month before surgery, but no one told me when to stop since I didnt know how long til I heard something). I told her yes and she told me to stop using it now, then she kind of mumbled something to herself, like counting (I guess counting days until the hormones would be clear of my body?). She said "Well it looks like you've been approved so we will be calling you later this week with your surgery date". I was so excited, and she sounded happy for me and told me she knew I was waiting and anxious. I thanked her and started texting and calling people.

I should be so happy and preparing, but instead I feel almost crushed inside right now. The person who I thought would be my biggest supporter is turning out to be my worst enemy right now. My husband, the one who vowed to be there for better or worse, for sickness and in health. I found out through a mutual friend that he's more concerned about being able to take his car to Philly in March rather then working out how long he will be off to take care of his wife, from her major surgery.

He keeps telling me he's not sure how long he can take off work (he has 2 weeks vacation and 3 personal days), and that he'll have his mom come over and help. I dont want his mother, I want my husband. I really wish he would have come to the seminar with him. Maybe he'd understand that for almost 2 weeks I will not be able to leave the couch, and that for the first few weeks I will be vomiting all of the time, and I cannot lift anything (like our son) for a few weeks. He thinks its like having a baby, you take a few days off, then everything is great. (Though us mothers know its not like that at ALL).

I dont even know what to say. I feel like I've lost any support I had (I know you all care, but I know I cant expect my internet friends to take care of me LOL).

I dont want to talk to him right now. I'm too hurt and angry, and I feel very unloved.

I will pray. I will pray my husband realizes what he's doing. I'll pray that he'll change after he sees this isnt some easy surgery. This is life changing.

Weight Stats

I was finally able to get into my old blog, I forgot the password to it, so I'm going to move some things from there over here, and I thought what better then my weight stats. They start in April 09 when I started Weight Watchers, and is also my records of my 6 month pre-op weights.

Weight at end of Lucas's pregnancy- 305lbs
Weight at 6 weeks PP-280lbs
Weight at 12 weeks PP-270lbs
Weight on 4.9.09 (first day of WW)-287.6lbs
4.16.09-284lbs
4.22.09- 282.4lbs
4.30.09- 283.2lbs
5.5.09- 277.2lbs
5.13.09- 275.2lbs
5.19.09- 272.4lbs
5.28.09- 273lbs
6.10.09- 271.6lbs
6.18.09- 273.2lbs
6.24.09- 273.4lbs
7.3.09- 272lbs
7.10.09- 273.6lbs
7.16.09- 272.8lbs
7.29.09- 276.2lbs
8.12./09- 272lbs
8.19.09- 271.2lbs
9.11.09- 275lbs
10.12.09-281lbs
11.14.09-280lbs
12.11.09-280lbs
1.4.10-279lbs

Recieved call #1

I am so nervous, its finally hit me that this is going to happen. The surgons office called today and said they need a few extra things of bloodwork and the settings for my CPAP and they've got everything they need. They said they have what they need to submit to the insurance so its going to be looked over one more time and will be submit by Wednesday next week, which means in 7-10 days I will hear from the insurance on their decision.

I'm so ready for this. I am ready to eat to live, not live to eat. I know the band is only a tool and its not going to work miracles itself, but I actually have a fighting chance now. I wont forever be known as the one with the "pretty face".

I've decided after I hear back, I am going to go buy a pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller then what I wear now, and that will be my first goal. Looking at the big, long term goal is so frusterating, but I know setting smaller goals will be a lot easier to reach.

This is good. Things are good, and I'm praying it stays this way.

All You Can Eat Buffets-A fat persons dream, a skinny persons nightmare.

I know I shouldnt be doing the whole "last meal" (or, meals thing), but we went to the Golden Correl tonight for dinner. I dont eat myself stupid (at least not there), but I made a comment to Rick that at least I wouldnt feel like total crap because I wouldnt be the only really large person there (and I've seen some large people there before).

I'm still having portion problems, and telling myself enough is enough, yet I worry about what other people say about me when I'm eating. I always feel like the fattest person in the room (and who knows, maybe I am sometimes), and I feel like people are sitting there watching me shove food in my mouth. Its disgusting to look at what I eat, then I turn around and look at the next fat person and go "dear god, are you really going to eat all of that?". I guess if I deserve to be criticized as well then.

I can see my reflection in my kitchen windows, and at this rate, I could cry. You'd think seeing my fat ass in the window would trigger the "stop eating fatso" nerve in my brain, but it doesnt. I know I'm being hard on myself today. I'm fed up, yet I'm still not changing?

I think I should start seeing a therapist now, who specializes with obese people and weight loss surgery. I also think I should take my Welbutrin (does it come as a surprise that I still havent taken it?). I also think I should do less taking and take more action.

I had such a horrible morning that I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes. I quit smoking over a year ago and here I am, with a pack that I refuse to waste. Maybe if I smoke for awhile I'll eat less (yes, I KNOW thats not a good excuse). I'm obviously not going to be able to "keep up the habit", since smoking after surgery is very frowned upon. I'm an idiot, but I'm not throwing $7 down the drain.

I can only hope these feelings will stop soon. I'm starting to wonder if the thought of being thin again is depressing me even more....

I've created my own prision

I'm having "one of those days". No matter which way I turn in the mirror, no matter how I style my hair, I cant satisfy myself today. I had hoped buying new sweaters, actually fixing my hair, and putting makeup on would make me feel better. I can only hope its my period making me feel this way, although its not changing my appearance.

I keep telling myself "today is the day you start your Welbutrin", yet here I sit, another day gone by, and I still havent taken it. I'm so afraid, but I'm more afraid that this wait is going to drive me mad. Tomorrow. I will take it tomorrow.

Thanks to a friend and her research, I feel a little more confident about the surgery being approved by the insurance. I dont think I can really breathe a sigh of relief until I get the call.

I think the blogging has helped some, although I still have so much that hasnt been written, feelings to be exposed, thoughts to script, and who knows what else hiding inside my head.

I need to take my "before" photos soon. I may not post them right away, but then again, I need to see them everyday. I need to remind myself everyday of what I've done, and what I'm doing to change it all.

I daydream about the new me all of the time. I think about the clothes I'll wear constantly (yeah, somewhere inside IS a girl). I get excited of the thought of buying something in a normal clothing store. I have a feeling once I hit my goal the husband will have to take a loan out. My mother promised me $1,000 for a shopping spree, but anyone who knows my mother can only laugh along with me. But damn, the things I could buy...

How funny. The local news is doing a story on weight loss surgery and how people need to lose weight before the surgery. If only they knew how hard that actually is.

Well, this can be chalked up as my "scatter brain" blog for the week.

Dietician.

Well this is it. I've completed the final steps in my pre-op. I met with Melinda (the nutritionist) today. We went over things about how many calories I should consuming after surgery and how much protein I should be getting. She also addressed I have a serious problem with coffee and chocolate (I already knew this). She's suggested to cut down from 2 pots a day (yes, on certain days I will actually drink two pots) to about 2-3 cups then switch solely to decaf for the remainder of the day. I think this wouldnt be too hard to accomplish, however the chocolate could be.

Rick has decided to quit smoking, which, dont get me wrong, is wonderful, but the man must stop eating everything in the house and eating chocolate like its a vegatable. Unfortunatly, due to his peer pressure he hasnt helped me very much, and I find myself helping him finish off a bag of hershey kisses. I wish I could purge the house of everything that isnt healthy, but I cant deny everyone else what I can only have now in small moderations.

I asked Melinda about my gain that has had me in shambles the the past few weeks. I told her that Dr Hamads office told me if I didnt get back near my starting weight (the gain due to the Welbutrin), my insurance would deny the surgery. She asked me what insurance I had and she told me they wouldnt deny me. So I'm putting my trust in her and hoping what she said is true.

She's going to submit her report to Dr Hamads by Tuesday at the latest, and she said if things move quick enough I could have a February surgery date. I would love to be able to get banded next month.

I requested for the surgons office to call me when they submitted to the insurance, so I'd have some idea of when this will take place. If everything is in place and reviewed, I am assuming they will submit next Friday to the insurance, so, I guess we'll see.

The end of one road, the beginning of another.

At 25 years old, I never thought I'd never have to stare death in the face. I've battled my weight my entire life, and after having children, it hasnt gotten any easier.

I currently break the scale at 280lbs. I started my journey toward the LapBand surgery 6 months ago, and due to being put on an anti-depressant, I had gained 7lbs that I struggled so badly to lose. I had started the 6 month doctor supervised diet at 272. Tomorrow will be my very last pre-operative testing I need to go through. The Nutritionist.

I had to write a journal of the foods I ate for the past month, and many times I lied. I'm so ashamed of what goes in my mouth. I'm ashamed at how much I can eat and still not feel full. I look forward to meeting with her, and finding out what I really should be eating and how much. Its so easy yet so unbelievably hard.

For those who know me know how much stress and pressure I am under on a day to day basis, and my comfort is food. The horrible 4 letter word. I stress eat, I eat because I'm bored. I eat, and eat, and eat. Right now, I'm sitting here wondering what I plan to stuff in my face after I'm done writing this.

I hope to be able to keep up with this. I need to do this. I need some kind of unbiased outlet. I get mixed support with this surgery and it seems lately the negative is getting to me more then the positive.

I pray my health insurance will see how much I need this. I have already been told by the surgon if I didnt get back to my "starting weight", they could very well deny me, and I've failed to do so. Oh the irony. I cant lose weight on my own so have been working on getting weight loss surgery, yet they will deny because I cant lose weight? I need prayers, thoughts, good vibes, whatever.

I'll be glad when this month is over. I need to know which way my life is going to go. Shame the insurance company holds my life in their hands....