I know I shouldnt be doing the whole "last meal" (or, meals thing), but we went to the Golden Correl tonight for dinner. I dont eat myself stupid (at least not there), but I made a comment to Rick that at least I wouldnt feel like total crap because I wouldnt be the only really large person there (and I've seen some large people there before).
I'm still having portion problems, and telling myself enough is enough, yet I worry about what other people say about me when I'm eating. I always feel like the fattest person in the room (and who knows, maybe I am sometimes), and I feel like people are sitting there watching me shove food in my mouth. Its disgusting to look at what I eat, then I turn around and look at the next fat person and go "dear god, are you really going to eat all of that?". I guess if I deserve to be criticized as well then.
I can see my reflection in my kitchen windows, and at this rate, I could cry. You'd think seeing my fat ass in the window would trigger the "stop eating fatso" nerve in my brain, but it doesnt. I know I'm being hard on myself today. I'm fed up, yet I'm still not changing?
I think I should start seeing a therapist now, who specializes with obese people and weight loss surgery. I also think I should take my Welbutrin (does it come as a surprise that I still havent taken it?). I also think I should do less taking and take more action.
I had such a horrible morning that I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes. I quit smoking over a year ago and here I am, with a pack that I refuse to waste. Maybe if I smoke for awhile I'll eat less (yes, I KNOW thats not a good excuse). I'm obviously not going to be able to "keep up the habit", since smoking after surgery is very frowned upon. I'm an idiot, but I'm not throwing $7 down the drain.
I can only hope these feelings will stop soon. I'm starting to wonder if the thought of being thin again is depressing me even more....
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