Stressed

My daughters first holy communion was yesterday. She looked beautiful and did so well, I was very proud. The party was a pretty good success, minus some drama from my SIL, and the food was delicious.

I just wish I would have been able to get rid of all of it. We have almost a half a pound of ziti left, and my favorite, pasta salad. Of course my MIL made like 8 dozen cookies, which, I have eaten about a dozen today. Go stress eating!

As soon as this food is gone out of my house, I'm going back to a liquid diet for a few days. I havent lost in weeks, and I'm starting to feel physically horrible again. I dont think I gave myself enough time for my pouch to get used to the fill, and a lot of times when I eat, it hurts. I know I'm not chewing enough and my bites are still too big.

I cant muster up the energy to get to the gym 5 days a week anymore. I want to so badly, I miss my classes, but I think I'm going back into a depression.

My husbands job is teetering by a thread everyday, and I'm so tired of waking up every morning going "So is today the day"? I hate Verizon, I really do. Thanks big CEO for fucking up everyone's lives.

And last and least (I guess), I have terrible baby fever. Seems like everyone around me is pregnant or TTC, and while I am over the moon for all of my friends, I wish I could just stop my birth control and tell my husband, "Lets do this!", but I know that would be the dumbest thing to do. I still need to lose at least 60 more lbs before I consider getting pregnant. Of course with my husband being laid off soon, getting pregnant is not the smartest idea.

I need to put more faith in God. I feel so hopeless anymore. Of course I will play the victim and wonder why every time we get a leg up it gets kicked out from underneath us. I just wish I had more faith.

First Fill

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!



Of course, I dont pay any attention and was an HOUR late to my appointment. I thought it was at 11:15, turns out it was at 10:15, but they said they would see me so I wouldnt have to re-schedule.



I got in there and got weighed. I lost 11.5 more pounds since my last check up. Yay! So I'm down 25lbs in 6 weeks. They took a little while to get my port, and she actually bent the needle LOL. She tried to explain to me that I already had 3cc's in there, but it wasnt actually in the band, but in the tubing, I wasnt sure what that meant. I had 2.4cc's put in and will get another 2cc's when I go back in May.



Ok, switching gears, I'm watching Dr Phil right now and its only 10 minutes into the show and its INTENSE. Its got thin people vs fat people. This guy was trying to say "We're not fat haters but we hate fat behavior", then rips open and shows his shirt says "No chubbies". (He's some fitness trainer? They have Jillian Michaels on there too). Then the "fat" side went NUTS on him.



I guess my question to all of you is, how do YOU feel about fat people, or being fat, or even thin people? Do you think there should be a law to "protect" obese people from being harassed?



I dont think being fat is anything good by any means, which is why I took the own steps in my life to change. I know people can have the "big is beautiful" attitude, and I used to have it, until I realized how poorly my health was for my age, and realized that I could be dead entirely too soon because of my poor eating habits, my laziness, and my lack of caring.



Ok, I want to finish this show lol. Hope you're all well!

Oh death how you consume me

Yeah I know that title makes no sense. I have the dreaded "viral infection" that is going around and at this rate, I'd rather be dead lol. My head is clogged and I feel like I have razorblades in my throat, I'm also now running a fever. Yippee.

So I've been workin my arse off at the gym, and I really feel a new high being there. I have lost 5lbs just working out (and lost 2 more to being sick), and I feel great. My highest HR went from 182 (yeah, I know, thats like stroke worthy) to about 156. I feel so great working out and I love sweating! I get this new sense of pride and accomplishment when I push myself.

I love spinning, and I do like kickboxing, I just wish I was more coordinated lol. I missed spinning today and didnt work out more then a 1/2 hr yesterday because I'm so sick, but I try to be in the gym 5-6days a week.

I have my first fill Tuesday, and I'm hoping she doesnt look at my weight loss and go, "Well, I dont think you need one", because I really do! I can still eat bread and my portions arent as small as they *should* be.

Onto a new topic, my daughter found the "Easter Bunny" stuff, so now I dont know how to approach that tomorrow morning when she sees the same things from the EB that she saw in the closet. I was hoping to have a few more years of her believing, guess we'll see.

Well Im signing off for now, I feel like crap, Happy Easter everyone!

Workin it out.

Sorry I keep going MIA.

I was cleared for exercise early last week so I joined a new gym that has classes. So far I did cycling on Saturday, and did kickboxing tonight, and I'm going back for another cycling class tomorrow.

Cycling kicked my ass hard! I was in tears 15 minutes into it, and I really thought I was going to throw up when I was done, but it was really rewarding to have some women come up and say "You MADE it through the whole class! I didnt make it the whole way through my first time!". Though I can say my ass hurt so bad, I swear it swallowed the seat. They said after the first few classes it wont hurt as bad.

Kickboxing was fun. Im not as coordinated as I used to be, but it was fun and I worked up a great sweat! Too bad I got my period an hour before I left for it, or I think I could have worked a little harder.

They also have yoga and zumba classes. I think though I'd rather do a morning zumba class so there arent as many skinny stuck up little beotches lol.

Thats about it for excitement lol. I am really enjoying the warmer weather thats for sure :)

There is no point in lying, it catches up with you in the end.

You dont learn anything unless you talk and be honest.

I've been cheating, a lot. But I've come to realize you cant break bad habits you've had for years overnight. I could sit here and say "Oh, yes, I've been textbook to the T", which would be nothing more then a boldfaced lie. We're all human, we make mistakes.

I wish I could say I'm full and feel satisfied after I eat, but that isnt the case at all. I know its going to take some time before I find that "sweet spot", but I really think its going to take longer for me then I thought.

I've ceased making anymore goals. Making a goal is like setting myself up for failure, which is rather sad. I've never had high expectations for myself because I've always ended up being disappointed. Like now. I told myself I was going to be 20lbs less in 2-3weeks, and here I am UP 3lbs.

16lbs is still good, this I know. But when you have so much weight to lose, 16lbs is almost a joke. I think what bothers me the most now is when I talk to someone the first thing out of their mouthes anymore are, "So have you lost more weight"? No, actually I've gained thanks. No, I dont really say that, could you imagine all of my neysayers responses if I said that? Its like being pardoned on death row and then going out and killing people. (ok, so that may be a little extreme, lets say getting a slap on the wrist for shop lifting then going out and stealing a thousand dollars worth of stuff).

I need to get to the gym. I was cleared for any exercise I feel I can do (minus ab work obviously), but since my husband is always so busy and never around at night I havent been able to make it there to sign up. I want to sign up for some cycling and kickboxing classes, as well as lots of cardio.

22 days until my fill...Hoping that can help kick start me back into weight loss.

Wrong way.

I knew as soon as I made a "goal" it would go sour. Always does. I asked the scale to move and what does it do? Goes UP 2lbs.Damn.

I'm having a really hard time. I've been eating more and more solid foods, and Im not feeling full at all. I am really considering calling my doctor and begging for a fill a little earlier then almost a month from now. April 6th is just way too far away.

I've become so obsessed with LBT. A wonderful friend sent me a webcam last week and I've been obsessed with that too. I feel like I'm really close to those who I can see, but regardless, there are so many great people on that site and I'm glad to have met them.

Things are hectic here, as always. Last week was a really bad week. I've been having a lot of problems with my daughter, and my son is just full force terrible twos. My husband is back to thinking he doesnt need to help around the house anymore, and that just isnt going over to well with me.

I feel alone. I went to the hospital support group last week. It wasnt anything like I thought, it was more for people who are getting ready to have the surgery. Although, I think I spoke more then the RN did lol. I felt really important though, and having someone actually LISTEN and take what I say into consideration was a good feeling. I also exchanged email and phone number to one woman who was considering it. She was older, and such a nice lady. I wish her the best of luck on her choice, and I do hope to hear from her.

I am going to join Curves again for a little while. Apparently if you've had the LB you get 2 weeks free and a 50% discount, so I'm totally there. That was one thing that actually did work for me when I was doing it, I had lost almost 2 pant sizes. I need to also join my new gym. Working out I think will help me a lot more, since I'm really not doing much right now.

I hope you're all doing well. Sorry I havent been commenting lately, just been hectic. You guys can always find me in LBT chat room though :)

Move scale move!

I've been stuck for 3 days now. I just wanted to be under 260, and of course here I am sitting right at 260. I feel like I did when I was doing WW, I lost weight then BOOM, stopped. This is so frusterating, I wish I could go to the gym and workout. I dont have anywhere to walk around here, but I might pack up and take Lucas to where my mom lives. They have a huge public walking area.

I'm cleared for mushies this week, but I'm still struggling to eat. However I went to a birthday party yesterday and I had a few crackers with dip. They went down and stayed down just fine. They were triscuits, so I didnt feel as bad. But I did go overboard when I licked some icing from the cake and ate a tiny tiny piece. I felt sick to my stomach almost immedietly. Learned my lesson there.

I've been distant from a lot of my friends lately. I just dont feel like talking to anyone anymore. I belong to another blog site and I said I was leaving it. I wrote about how I wasnt eating as much (but being on a liquid diet there isnt much you can eat), and I got a lot of rude comments how how I was meant to get the band to help control eating, not stop, and how unhealthy I was being and such. Of course, these comments came from thin people who dont know what its like to be fat, let alone morbidly obese.

I cant wait for my fill, it cant come soon enough. I want to see the weight continue to come off. I'm so frusterated. If Im this annoyed now, I dont what to know how I am going to be when it really stalls.

Life is tough right now. My daughter has been such a horrible challenge, my husband and I arent getting along because he's never home and we havent had sex in months. I'm tired of feeling so detached. Our house is still falling apart, and of course our landlord wont fix anything, the greedy bitch, so we have to fork out more money that we dont have to do it (Long story for new readers, she's my FIL's wife, and the whole argument about her paying for stuff is a wasted time).

And to top it off, I fell down the stairs yesterday (for the 10 millionth time) and stoved my finger. Its all swollen and bruising now. Of course when I fell no one came to help, my husbands response was "You're always falling down the stairs, its getting kind of old". Gee, thanks hun.