Making the lapband easier to "obtain"?

I was watching the local news the other night and they did a story on how the FDA is considering "lowering the standards" for people to be able to get the lapband.

I guess I'm impartial. On one hand, it would have been nice to have this "option" years ago, but at the same rate, I had to work my ass off and jump through every last hoop to get my insurance to approve my band, and now to be able to say, "Oh, well I'm 40lbs overweight I should be able to get weight loss surgery bar none".

America is chalk full of obese and morbidly obese people, but I dont think they are putting in all of the thought that this ISNT a magic tool. Is it going to get to the point where people might be 20-30lbs overweight and assume this will be the cure all?

I dont want to say I dont think this is right, because yes, everyone deserves a chance, but at the same rate would people be more willing to pack on a few more pounds to get this? It almost reminds me of having to spend $100 to save $10, and when you are $12 short you'll pay that $12 + just to save that $10. *shrugs*

For my lap band ladies, thoughts?

Quick Update with a surprise :)

I know most of you gals already know, but for those of you who dont have me on facebook here is my latest surprise =)



Baby #3, due July 27th, 2011. We are soooo excited! Saw my OB today, she couldnt get over how great I looked and said she was very excited for my husband and I. Saw my PA this afternoon, and after a slight bit of panicking on my part about eating enough calories for me and the bean I was re-assured everything would be fantastic, and she wished me the best as well, and told me to call her if I needed anything. She did recommend I see the dietician again to go over the "safe" way to gain weight during the pregnancy. I'll hopefully see her sometime after the new year.

So thats my news, hope you all had a great Thanksgiving =)

Long time no blog

Ooops, sorry gang. I didnt realize its been so long.

Well, I've finally hit 60lbs down. I still cant get over how much I've changed. I am overflowing with confidence and I strut around like a proud peacock. I am really enjoying my new found self.

I also want to add I was told AGAIN that I look just like "the girl from the princess diaries". LOL Second time in a month I was told I look like her. I think its hilarious.

I also went into Lane Bryant the other day because my 18's are enormous on me and YEAH BABY, I'm in a 16! I actually do plan on buying them, especially since they are 40% off. There is a picture below of my accomplishment.

The holidays are approaching quickly, and I am so excited. I found a delicious pair of knee high boots and I am thinking about buying an adorable black dress to wear on Thanksgiving. Ooooh yes, you heard me. Heather, in a dress? UNHEARD OF!!

I also have a support group meeting tomorrow, and its with the plastic surgon at the hopsital I got my surgery in, so I'm hoping to learn a few things so I can eventually look forward to getting my "work done".

Ok, I shall leave you with my latest "body shot". *grins*

Ann Hathaway

I was standing at the help desk at Barnes and Noble, and I was asking a woman about a book and the woman stands next to her and goes, "Has anyone told you that you look like Ann Hathaway?". I was like, "Um..no lol". It kind of caught me off guard. I'm starting to feel good about myself again and that helped out big time. Yay NSV :)

Speaking of the scale, I stepped on it a half a dozen times this morning (no, I really did) and it kept reading 219.8. I was like, "This cant be right". I dont actually know if it is or not. I'd be dead shocked if it was, since it read 223 the other night. I think when my dog ran over it and tipped it he may have done something to it :/ I actually bothered me seeing that. I dont want it to be untrue and then I see it go back up 4lbs again.

My birthday is on Sunday. I'll be 26. I dont feel one way or the other about it, just another day lol. Apparently we're going to my MIL's for dinner and cake (mmmm, cake). Tomorrow my husband is taking me shopping and to dinner. I'm so excited to spend some time with just him. Dont get me wrong, I LOVE my kids, but I miss my husband.

Oh well, thats all good and fun. Hope you're all well.

Halfway

51lbs down, 51lbs to go. Things are going ok. Losing VERY slowly now adays, but it doesnt help my day consists of a pot of coffee and a bowl or two of cereal. Yes yes ladies, I know thats not going to do me any good. We've finally gotten some extra money so I can actually go grocery shopping. I plan on buying lots of fruits, veggies, and lean meats. I'm going to invidually bag the fruits and veggies, this way, it'll be easier to toss into everyones lunch and I can just grab a bag or two out of the fridge during the day. I met my Labor Day goal of losing 50lbs, so here's to my next goal of 30lbs more down by the end of the year.

Also, as awful as this might come out, hopfully someone will get what I'm trying to say. I swear the only place I've lost weight is my neck/collar area and honestly, its kind of gross to me now. Its really bony and I hate touching it. You can see this "hollow area" right in the middle of my throat (where a guys adam apple is), and it is just so foul to me. I know I should be happy to be seeing "bone", but for some reason its gross. Why cant I see my butt bones instead ;-)

Hope you're all well. I'm trying to keep up. Its so busy around here now with school back in session and me having a million things to do.

Happy Bandaversery to me.

6 months. Almost 50lbs. What?

I could cry at the thought.

It took me 6 months to lose 14lbs on my own, and now, I have lost almost half of myself already.

Seriously the most amazing thing. Hands down.

I never thought I'd be where I am now 6 months ago. I cant wait to see what the next 6 months bring.

And happy bandaversery to you too Janelle :)

I'm alive

I've been keeping up with most of you (or, the same 4 people who update lol).

My doctor called yesterday to confirm my fill for Wednesday and I said, "You know what, I was actually going to call you and decline." She goes, "Oh yeah?" I was like, "Yup, I am excited to say that I do not need to see you, even though I'd like to see you to say hi." She laughed. I asked her if she would look up my weight when I was there last and according to her records, I lost 8lbs in 5 weeks (or 3 weeks, since I had 2 weeks of no loss). She said that was wonderful and I'm really on my way. That was great to hear :)

I am 5lbs shy of my Labor Day goal, which was to be a total of 50lbs down (or 227). I am going to really step it up these next weeks so I can get to my goal. From there I want to lose another 30lbs by the end of the year, so I can be under 200lbs when its time to TTC next year. I can do this :)

I really am starting to accept and love the comments people say to me. I am really starting to feel so much better about myself, and I can feel a lot more confidence building up.

Also, here is a before and after picture of my new haircut. I am also loving the comments about how it opens up my face and makes me look even thinner :)

Comparision Pictures

Forgive me, as the first one is 2 years old, but I'm always the one behind the camera. I havent been taking progress pictures, but I really think I should start. Let me know if you see a difference, I see a slight one, but I guess it takes time to get used to :)


This one is from October 2008


This one is from last night, August 2010

Re-prioritizing.

I realized more now then ever, that I need to re-evaluate my life, my family, and my priorities. After coming home from my trip to New York to meet with a good friend of mine and her son, I realized my kids arent getting the attention or focus they deserve or the knowledge of basic things in life, such as manners or social skills.

I am also taking less care of myself. I went from trying to stuff myself stupid to hardly eating at all during the day. I need to get my anxiety, depression, and many other emotions in check. I need to do this for me.

This is probably going to be the last blog from me for a little while. I need to get back to the things that are the most important in life, and things like flipping through blogs or checking people's facebook status's should be at the lowest on my list.

I wont be gone forever, but I need to do this, for myself and my family. I'll be back soon, and hopefully, another 6lbs lighter so I can finally hit my 50lbs mark. :-)

Wish me luck.

I hit it hard!

So.. I did it! I actually went to the gym! I burned 500 calories doing the eliptical and the precor machines. Next time I am going to work on my upper body. My arms are going to need a major workout to get rid of these bingo wings.

I also realized how much my son loves to go to the daycare there, so I have found a preschool for 2 year olds. Its 1 day a week from 8:30-11. I think he'll enjoy being with kids his age. He loves other kids and I feel bad because he really has no one to play with but me, and I can get pretty boring lol. Registration is August 31st, which is also my daughters 2nd day of school, so I'm not quite sure how that'll work out since she has to be at school at 9. I might go Monday morning and register him and get it out of the way, then I can just drop him off Tuesday.

So, I am about 8lbs away from hitting the big 5-0 loss!! 50lbs in 5 months would be so amazing. I am hoping I can achieve the big goal of losing another 40 pounds by the end of the year so we can TTC next February.

Oh, and for those who might be in need of some clothes, I am looking to get rid of my size 20-24 clothes. I have jeans, shirts and sweaters (I know its early to think about those but still). If anyone is interested or knows of someone who would be interested let me know. I want to get rid of these "fat clothes" so badly.

Busy as a bee

Well, I'm doing ok with this fill. I can say there is A LOT more restriction, and I am really trying to "fine tune" my eating because I am trying to eat more and it is causing me to throw up or get a little stuck. I know I'm not overfilled because I can eat things, as long as its in very small portions. So I'm thinking as long as I keep making good choices this may finally be my sweet spot.

My numbers keep bouncing a lot. I am now back at 236.8 but the other day the scale said I was 239, so its frusterating, once I get into the 220's I will be beyond excited, knowing I'll only be 20 some pounds away from Onederland!

I keep telling myself I'm going back to the gym, and here I am, I still havent gone. I need to stop making excuses. I admit I am busy with my daughter and all of her activities, but I told myself while she was at gymnastics on M, T, and Th I would go to the gym while she was there, and yet, I find myself running errands or putzing around at Target (which has taken a big toll on my finances).

So, I say this and I will stand by it, I am going to the gym on Thursday. I'm sure my son will enjoy playing with the kids there too again, since he doesnt see much of anyone but me and my daughter.

Oh, and I had a NSV (yes, I finally know what that means!), I was sitting in traffic this morning and I had my windows down, well this guy yells to me "You are really pretty!". I looked over thinking, "Who is this guy talking to?" and low and behold, he was looking at me. I kind of smiled, blushed and drove away. Guys, my hair was an awful mess and dirty, and I had no make up on. Everyone always says "You really have natural beauty, be happy about it", but I dont see it. Sometimes I do, but most of the time I dont.

I guess I'll end this for now. I'm also thinking of posting a survey or two (I guess you guys call it the BYOC), so those who do read me can get to know me better :) Or, better yet, if there is something you want to know about me, post it, and I'll answer in the next blog

Decision made

I called my doctors office yesterday and lucky for me, they had a cancellation for today at 9am, so of course I took it.

This fill was HORRIBLE though. Granted, the guy was really hot and reminded me of a dark haired version of the guy who plays Alex Carave on Greys, but he really did a number on me. My port is flipped on its side, which is normal and common, so it takes a little bit of "work" to get into it, but this guy actually went through my stomach muscle twice and then went through my scar tissue in which some of it got stuck on the needle and caused blood to get into my saline. After him poking and killing me for about 10 minutes he said he'd get Gina (the PA who I normally prefer doing my fills) to do it.

She came in and re numbed me, and of course as soon soon as she put the needle in a pain shot through my stomach, so she gave me another minute then "went to work". Of course my band wasnt cooperating and a cc decided not to come out, so she was only able to extract about 6.4 cc's. Before this fill there was 7.6. She got all the fluid she could out and put new fluid in and another cc, which would have totaled 8.4, but I drank some of my coffee and felt like there was too much pressure so she took .2 out and left .8 in there.

So after all of the agony and stress, I have 8.2 cc's in my band now. I've been hungry but due to this horrid heat I really dont have any interest in anything (especially since I'm on liquids til Thursday night).

According to their records, I am 6.2lbs down since my last visit on 5.2.10, and 38lbs total. Dont get me wrong, I wont shake a stick at 38lbs but I'm hoping this fill will help me drop another 10+lbs by September 1.

Goals

I seemed to do a lot better with things when I set goals for myself. So here are the my goals I am creating. Granted, they arent anything set in stone since they could either take a little more time or even happen quicker. My first goal I had made for myself I achieved over a month earlier then expected, which was to be in a size 18 by the end of June. I fit into an 18 in the beginning of May.

Goal #1-To be in a comfortable 16 by Sept 1. Weight desired-225lbs

Goal #2-Getting back into my exercise routine of at least 3 days a week in the gym (this does not include classes)

Goal #3-Successfully keep track of my eating habits (good, bad, or indifferent) for at least 30 days straight. (Starting 7/5/10)

Goal #4-Be in a comfortable size 12/14 by Christmas. Weight desired-200lbs (Hello onederland)

Goal #5-Reach or get as close to goal weight of 175lbs by Feb 1st. Once this goal is reached, TTC for baby #3 will comense!

*Side note* I understand that some of these goals seem a little bit "higher set" per say, but I've realized if I dont set the bar higher for myself I will feel like its ok to slack when its not.

Wish me luck!

Slack

I wish I had something exciting to say, or something juicy or good to report, but alas, I have nothing.

I'm debating on calling my dr for another fill. I havent lost weight in a month and watching the scale bounce between 238-240 is getting really annoying. It didnt help when my husband said to me after I asked him how my ass was looking, that "Its not as big anymore but now you have wing type things". He was referring to the fat in my legs that are below my hips and on my theighs, know where I'm talking about? My mother likes to point those out as well, and its very discouraging. I'm TRYING, but I have always had bigger legs, even when I was thinner.

I look in the mirror and I dont see any change. I havent taken any progress pictures and I still dont want to. I should, but I dont have a ton of "before" pictures.

I dont mean to whine, but I feel like I need to get it out somehow. Theres more I could say but I guess I'll save it for another day.

I want to say congrats to a lot of you, for reaching some awesome milestones. Carmen on your 50lbs loss, Janelle on your 30lbs loss, Steph on your 46lbs loss, and all you other beautiful ladies who are doing SO well!

I'm gonna celebrate the big 4-0!

Wow. I have to say I'm really shocked. Never in my life did I think I could lose 40lbs in 3.5 months!

I was having a lull for awhile, then all of the sudden I stepped on the scale and BAM, 3lbs down. Wonderful!

We had a birthday party for the kids' today. I cant believe in just a few days my baby will be 2, and in 2 weeks my other baby will be 8. Seriously time, you can slow down. It was nice but O-M-G it was so hot. It got to the point where I was sweating so bad and was so hot, I started seeing purple spots, which I figured wasnt a good thing. I'll try to post some pictures later, and for those who have me on facebook, they'll be posted tomorrow.

Well, thats all I have to say for now. Hope you're all well!

Chica Chicka Boom Boom

Boy I really slack at updating in here. I'm trying to keep up with all of you beautiful ladies :)

I think it might be time for another tiny fill, I'm not quite sure yet. We're going on vacation in about 3 weeks and my doctor said she'd prefer if I got filled (if I needed it), about 2-3 weeks before we go. There are times I still feel restriction, but somehow I still think I'm eating more then I should. Of course, there are times I'm still not making the best choices. The scale hates me again and hasnt moved in awhile.

I also havent been to the gym in almost 2 months. So many things are going on here that at the days end (or sometimes the beginning!) I am mentally exhausted that I couldnt even bear the thought of working out.

I'm also starting to become a little more confident. I actually went out and bought a tank top for the first time in about 5 years. (Then again it was so hot I would have walked around nude if it wasnt offensive and wrong) Although I've been purchasing more accessories then anything LOL. I am in love with Kathy Van Zeeland purses, and have already bought two, and I am trying to convince my husband that I need the third I've had my eye on. I'm just hoping it doesnt get bought! I havent seen it in stores and it is the most GORGOUS purple. Its not like offensive in your face purple, its like sheek "night on the town" purple. AAHHH! I WANT IT!

My kids's birthdays are coming up soon. *cue sob* My son will be 2 on the 17th and my daughter will be 8 on the 27th. Seriously time, you can slow down now. We're doing a joint small party for them, nothing extravagent. Cake and munchies is about it.

OOOOOOOO!!! Wipeout is back on *grins* (Yes, ADD moment). I am going to go watch people fall of the big balls. Hugs to all!

Happy 3 month bandaversery to me

Ok, I'm a few days late since my 3 month mark was on 5/22. I cant believe I've been banded for 3 months already. It feels like yesterday I was sitting at my seminar saying, "This is is, I'm going to do this".

I'm proud of myself, and for those who know me, those words are very hard to say. Some days I feel better about myself then others, but there are still days I feel that I havent achieved anything, and that even though I've lost almost 40lbs, I am still fat, obese, however you want to put it. I still have a long way to go, but I look back and I realize how far I've come.

My 18's fit, but I feel like I'd be happier in the 20's. I know its not a set back, but I dont want to put the 20's back on. I only have 1 pair of 18s. I went to the store the other day to try another pair on and they didnt fit, which was upsetting, but it took me a few days to stretch the 18's out I have one now.

Ok, enough with the jeans talk. I cant believe its almost June already. Seriously, where has the year gone? June is always a busy month for me, since my daughter gets out of school, and both of my kids birthdays are in June. My son will be 2 on the 17th and my daughter on the 27th. We also go on our family vacation the last week of June as well. Busy, busy!

Which is also why we planned on TTC our last baby next Feb/March so we dont have ANOTHER summer baby haha. I still have some pretty bad baby fever right now, and I'm hoping it'll subside soon.

Well, I guess I shall end this year. I'm trying to keep up with you guys, but if I dont get a chance, Happy Memorial Day to you all! (Yes, I'm a week early, but I'm always behind so I want to be ahead this time LOL)

Been awhile

I dont know why I keep this really, no one reads it anyway.

Well since I last wrote I had another fill, and an un-fill.

I got my second fill on the 5th. 2.0cc's, which had brought my total to 7.4cc's total in a 10cc. I gave myself a few days with liquids when I realized I wasnt able to keep anything down. I was so afraid to admit I was too full. Stepping on the scale and watch it just drop down at such a quick pace was nice (especially after a 5 week stall), but I knew it wasnt the right way, so I called the doctor and went in on the 11th for an unfill.

She was pulling my fluid out only to find ANOTHER cc in there! So total there was 8.4cc. She goes, "No wonder you've been so sick". She took .8 out and now I have 7.6cc, and happy to say I have wonderful restriction.

As you can see by my ticker I have lost 10lbs since my second fill, which is wonderful. I am almost 40lbs down in 14 weeks, and that is great. I went from a size 24 pants to an 18 :)

I hope you all are well, I'm trying to keep up but life hasnt been so good to us lately, and it doesnt look like its getting any better anytime soon.

Love to you all

Stressed

My daughters first holy communion was yesterday. She looked beautiful and did so well, I was very proud. The party was a pretty good success, minus some drama from my SIL, and the food was delicious.

I just wish I would have been able to get rid of all of it. We have almost a half a pound of ziti left, and my favorite, pasta salad. Of course my MIL made like 8 dozen cookies, which, I have eaten about a dozen today. Go stress eating!

As soon as this food is gone out of my house, I'm going back to a liquid diet for a few days. I havent lost in weeks, and I'm starting to feel physically horrible again. I dont think I gave myself enough time for my pouch to get used to the fill, and a lot of times when I eat, it hurts. I know I'm not chewing enough and my bites are still too big.

I cant muster up the energy to get to the gym 5 days a week anymore. I want to so badly, I miss my classes, but I think I'm going back into a depression.

My husbands job is teetering by a thread everyday, and I'm so tired of waking up every morning going "So is today the day"? I hate Verizon, I really do. Thanks big CEO for fucking up everyone's lives.

And last and least (I guess), I have terrible baby fever. Seems like everyone around me is pregnant or TTC, and while I am over the moon for all of my friends, I wish I could just stop my birth control and tell my husband, "Lets do this!", but I know that would be the dumbest thing to do. I still need to lose at least 60 more lbs before I consider getting pregnant. Of course with my husband being laid off soon, getting pregnant is not the smartest idea.

I need to put more faith in God. I feel so hopeless anymore. Of course I will play the victim and wonder why every time we get a leg up it gets kicked out from underneath us. I just wish I had more faith.

First Fill

I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!



Of course, I dont pay any attention and was an HOUR late to my appointment. I thought it was at 11:15, turns out it was at 10:15, but they said they would see me so I wouldnt have to re-schedule.



I got in there and got weighed. I lost 11.5 more pounds since my last check up. Yay! So I'm down 25lbs in 6 weeks. They took a little while to get my port, and she actually bent the needle LOL. She tried to explain to me that I already had 3cc's in there, but it wasnt actually in the band, but in the tubing, I wasnt sure what that meant. I had 2.4cc's put in and will get another 2cc's when I go back in May.



Ok, switching gears, I'm watching Dr Phil right now and its only 10 minutes into the show and its INTENSE. Its got thin people vs fat people. This guy was trying to say "We're not fat haters but we hate fat behavior", then rips open and shows his shirt says "No chubbies". (He's some fitness trainer? They have Jillian Michaels on there too). Then the "fat" side went NUTS on him.



I guess my question to all of you is, how do YOU feel about fat people, or being fat, or even thin people? Do you think there should be a law to "protect" obese people from being harassed?



I dont think being fat is anything good by any means, which is why I took the own steps in my life to change. I know people can have the "big is beautiful" attitude, and I used to have it, until I realized how poorly my health was for my age, and realized that I could be dead entirely too soon because of my poor eating habits, my laziness, and my lack of caring.



Ok, I want to finish this show lol. Hope you're all well!

Oh death how you consume me

Yeah I know that title makes no sense. I have the dreaded "viral infection" that is going around and at this rate, I'd rather be dead lol. My head is clogged and I feel like I have razorblades in my throat, I'm also now running a fever. Yippee.

So I've been workin my arse off at the gym, and I really feel a new high being there. I have lost 5lbs just working out (and lost 2 more to being sick), and I feel great. My highest HR went from 182 (yeah, I know, thats like stroke worthy) to about 156. I feel so great working out and I love sweating! I get this new sense of pride and accomplishment when I push myself.

I love spinning, and I do like kickboxing, I just wish I was more coordinated lol. I missed spinning today and didnt work out more then a 1/2 hr yesterday because I'm so sick, but I try to be in the gym 5-6days a week.

I have my first fill Tuesday, and I'm hoping she doesnt look at my weight loss and go, "Well, I dont think you need one", because I really do! I can still eat bread and my portions arent as small as they *should* be.

Onto a new topic, my daughter found the "Easter Bunny" stuff, so now I dont know how to approach that tomorrow morning when she sees the same things from the EB that she saw in the closet. I was hoping to have a few more years of her believing, guess we'll see.

Well Im signing off for now, I feel like crap, Happy Easter everyone!

Workin it out.

Sorry I keep going MIA.

I was cleared for exercise early last week so I joined a new gym that has classes. So far I did cycling on Saturday, and did kickboxing tonight, and I'm going back for another cycling class tomorrow.

Cycling kicked my ass hard! I was in tears 15 minutes into it, and I really thought I was going to throw up when I was done, but it was really rewarding to have some women come up and say "You MADE it through the whole class! I didnt make it the whole way through my first time!". Though I can say my ass hurt so bad, I swear it swallowed the seat. They said after the first few classes it wont hurt as bad.

Kickboxing was fun. Im not as coordinated as I used to be, but it was fun and I worked up a great sweat! Too bad I got my period an hour before I left for it, or I think I could have worked a little harder.

They also have yoga and zumba classes. I think though I'd rather do a morning zumba class so there arent as many skinny stuck up little beotches lol.

Thats about it for excitement lol. I am really enjoying the warmer weather thats for sure :)

There is no point in lying, it catches up with you in the end.

You dont learn anything unless you talk and be honest.

I've been cheating, a lot. But I've come to realize you cant break bad habits you've had for years overnight. I could sit here and say "Oh, yes, I've been textbook to the T", which would be nothing more then a boldfaced lie. We're all human, we make mistakes.

I wish I could say I'm full and feel satisfied after I eat, but that isnt the case at all. I know its going to take some time before I find that "sweet spot", but I really think its going to take longer for me then I thought.

I've ceased making anymore goals. Making a goal is like setting myself up for failure, which is rather sad. I've never had high expectations for myself because I've always ended up being disappointed. Like now. I told myself I was going to be 20lbs less in 2-3weeks, and here I am UP 3lbs.

16lbs is still good, this I know. But when you have so much weight to lose, 16lbs is almost a joke. I think what bothers me the most now is when I talk to someone the first thing out of their mouthes anymore are, "So have you lost more weight"? No, actually I've gained thanks. No, I dont really say that, could you imagine all of my neysayers responses if I said that? Its like being pardoned on death row and then going out and killing people. (ok, so that may be a little extreme, lets say getting a slap on the wrist for shop lifting then going out and stealing a thousand dollars worth of stuff).

I need to get to the gym. I was cleared for any exercise I feel I can do (minus ab work obviously), but since my husband is always so busy and never around at night I havent been able to make it there to sign up. I want to sign up for some cycling and kickboxing classes, as well as lots of cardio.

22 days until my fill...Hoping that can help kick start me back into weight loss.

Wrong way.

I knew as soon as I made a "goal" it would go sour. Always does. I asked the scale to move and what does it do? Goes UP 2lbs.Damn.

I'm having a really hard time. I've been eating more and more solid foods, and Im not feeling full at all. I am really considering calling my doctor and begging for a fill a little earlier then almost a month from now. April 6th is just way too far away.

I've become so obsessed with LBT. A wonderful friend sent me a webcam last week and I've been obsessed with that too. I feel like I'm really close to those who I can see, but regardless, there are so many great people on that site and I'm glad to have met them.

Things are hectic here, as always. Last week was a really bad week. I've been having a lot of problems with my daughter, and my son is just full force terrible twos. My husband is back to thinking he doesnt need to help around the house anymore, and that just isnt going over to well with me.

I feel alone. I went to the hospital support group last week. It wasnt anything like I thought, it was more for people who are getting ready to have the surgery. Although, I think I spoke more then the RN did lol. I felt really important though, and having someone actually LISTEN and take what I say into consideration was a good feeling. I also exchanged email and phone number to one woman who was considering it. She was older, and such a nice lady. I wish her the best of luck on her choice, and I do hope to hear from her.

I am going to join Curves again for a little while. Apparently if you've had the LB you get 2 weeks free and a 50% discount, so I'm totally there. That was one thing that actually did work for me when I was doing it, I had lost almost 2 pant sizes. I need to also join my new gym. Working out I think will help me a lot more, since I'm really not doing much right now.

I hope you're all doing well. Sorry I havent been commenting lately, just been hectic. You guys can always find me in LBT chat room though :)

Move scale move!

I've been stuck for 3 days now. I just wanted to be under 260, and of course here I am sitting right at 260. I feel like I did when I was doing WW, I lost weight then BOOM, stopped. This is so frusterating, I wish I could go to the gym and workout. I dont have anywhere to walk around here, but I might pack up and take Lucas to where my mom lives. They have a huge public walking area.

I'm cleared for mushies this week, but I'm still struggling to eat. However I went to a birthday party yesterday and I had a few crackers with dip. They went down and stayed down just fine. They were triscuits, so I didnt feel as bad. But I did go overboard when I licked some icing from the cake and ate a tiny tiny piece. I felt sick to my stomach almost immedietly. Learned my lesson there.

I've been distant from a lot of my friends lately. I just dont feel like talking to anyone anymore. I belong to another blog site and I said I was leaving it. I wrote about how I wasnt eating as much (but being on a liquid diet there isnt much you can eat), and I got a lot of rude comments how how I was meant to get the band to help control eating, not stop, and how unhealthy I was being and such. Of course, these comments came from thin people who dont know what its like to be fat, let alone morbidly obese.

I cant wait for my fill, it cant come soon enough. I want to see the weight continue to come off. I'm so frusterated. If Im this annoyed now, I dont what to know how I am going to be when it really stalls.

Life is tough right now. My daughter has been such a horrible challenge, my husband and I arent getting along because he's never home and we havent had sex in months. I'm tired of feeling so detached. Our house is still falling apart, and of course our landlord wont fix anything, the greedy bitch, so we have to fork out more money that we dont have to do it (Long story for new readers, she's my FIL's wife, and the whole argument about her paying for stuff is a wasted time).

And to top it off, I fell down the stairs yesterday (for the 10 millionth time) and stoved my finger. Its all swollen and bruising now. Of course when I fell no one came to help, my husbands response was "You're always falling down the stairs, its getting kind of old". Gee, thanks hun.

Feeeeeed meeeeeee

I swear if my stomach had arms it would punch me in the face.

Day 9. Hot damn. The scale didnt feel like moving today apparently, which was slightly disappointing. I would like to lose 7lbs by Monday, so that would put me at 20lbs down in 2 weeks. I really dont think its unreachable but I think I may just stick with clears to get it going. I hear a lot that if you lose a lot in the beginning you slow down later and vice versa, so if thats the case I'd like to keep trucking along until I hit that point.

I almost ate a bowl of chicken tortilla soup (which can I say was magic in my mouth), but I panicked and called my surgons office and they said its still a no no unless I strain it real well (no, I refuse to strain my damn soup). So I sadly gave it up and let my friend take the rest home with her.

I dont want to eat, yet I'm so hungry. I just dont like having such a big restraintment put on me. Its like, I'd rather eat normal food (good food, not junk), or not eat at all. I cant bring myself to eat. I can hardly choke down water anymore.

I took my steri strips off last night. I got the ok to take them off when they started to curl, and I have to say, those strips made the incisions look worse then they really are. My port area is almost all healed, the only place with a bit of scabbing is by my belly button. I'm pretty impressed.

Here is what I'm having on Sunday, and for those who are headed to the mushie stage, this is perfect because its pureed!




"The Best Chicken Salad Ever"-Taken from AllRecipies.com

Ingredients
2 boneless chicken breast halves, cooked
1/4 cup creamy salad dressing
4 tablespoons cole slaw dressing
1 stalk celery, chopped
1/4 onion, chopped
salt and pepper to taste
Directions
1.In a food processor, combine the chicken, creamy salad dressing, cole slaw dressing, celery, onion, and salt and pepper. Mix until well chopped.
Nutritional Stats
Calories-103
Fat-6.3g
Protein-7.6g

This recipe got AMAZING reviews. I'll let you guys know how it turns out. Let me know if you're trying it too

I survived.

My daughter decided she wanted to go to IHOP this morning, which I was fine with, since I dont care much for their food. Well, we got there and people were actually parked on the SIDE of the road to get in there. WHAT??? Where they giving crap away? Hot damn. Needless to say, we didnt go, so her second choice was the Golden Correll....an all you can eat buffet.

I made a point to have a protein shake before we went, and we got into line and paid for the buffets, I had to almost get pissy with the guy when I told him once it was 1 adult, since I was not eating, and he charged us anyway.

My husband requested I get food for our son, and as soon as I got up there and smelled the food I wanted to die on it. Its like the part in Twilight, when James smells Bella....yeah, thats what I felt like. I started to breathe through my mouth and hurried to take the plate back to the table.

I fed him while my husband and daughter went up to get plates. And I have to say, when you arent eating, its amazing the things you see. I also wondered if I was that gross looking at that restaurant just a month ago. Watching people SHOVEL food into their mouths, and jiggle their way back for more until they look like they could litterly explode like Violet from Willy Wonka.

I am proud of myself. I made it through, and by the time they were done eating, I found myself wondering "How can you even eat that much"?

I cant say I dont look forward to eating, because Lord knows I'll be in the doctors office tomorrow BEGGING to be put on mushies sooner.

So the moral of this story kids....All you can eat buffets are the devil.

Well, I dehydrated.

I have had this weird feeling in my feet the past two days. Like they are numb, or when they go to sleep. It was getting increasingly worse through today so I called Dr H's office to ask what they thought, and they told me I should go to the ER to get checked. I immedietly started to panic and prayed it wasnt a blood clot.

After a lot of scrambling and finding someone to watch the kids I got down to the ER a little before 5. I went back and did the usual testing, then they hooked me up for an IV. The NP came in and said I was pretty dehydrated, and a resident would be down to talk to me about my feet problems.

So I sat there "eating" my bag (as my husband said), and about 6:30 the resident came in and said he has never heard anything like this, nor has my surgon. He said he thought my B12 was probably low (which Im sure it was since it was low pre-surgery), and they gave me a multi-vitamin liquid (that tasted like ass), and a B12 shot and sent me on my way. They told me if the numbless increases and/or goes into my legs I need to get back ASAP.

I thought I was getting enough liquids, but I guess I'm not, which worries me. I cant stand anymore broth, or jello, or stupid popsicles. My dad keeps asking me how anyone can survive on so little, and I'm not really sure the answer.

Im going to write down everything I drink at this rate, I cant afford to be back in the hospital. I think I might beg my doctor monday to let me have more then just protein shakes and yougurt...maybe I can have some eggs or just SOMETHING.

I really can see its all worth it

The smell of waffles in the morning, the lasgana and garlic bread from last night cant put a price on what the scale told me this morning.

Down.

7lbs

in

4 days.

OMG

I'm feeling a little more confident today. My husband said he was going to take me to Old Navy today since there clothes are on sale, so I thought I could pick up a few more "goal" outfits. I'm not going to buy a lot because I dont want have a lot of clothes that wont fit me soon enough, but it makes me good to go shopping (shopping is my next evil addiction LOL). We also have to go and get our daughter some new jeans since she apparently eats hers.

I hope all of my fellow recent band sisters are doing well, and I want to thank all of you for the support. Its really hard when people dont understand what we're going through, and its so nice to be able to go on this journey with you all.

And a big thank you to all of my friends, you are all so amazing and I cant believe how blessed I am to have such a wonderful support group!

Day 3-What did I do?

They always say the 3rd day of quitting something is the hardest, whether it be smoking, drinking, or in my case food. My husband was making breakfast for the kids and it was really hard for me to watch them eat. I just want something other then stupid broth and popsicles.

I told him I wanted to get out of the house for awhile, so we went to Target, where, I had another massive breakdown. We stood in the Easter candy isle and I just cried and said I would never get to eat this ever again, and insisted we moved to another isle. He of course was buying himself bags of candy and chocolate. I know I cant change the way he eats but it just doesnt seem fair.

I cried again at the checkout and told him he didnt understand what this was like going through this. I told him I regretted doing this and all I wanted was something. He kept saying "Once you heal you can have food again", but I would just rather tell myself I'll never eat candy or chocolate again, which is really heartbreaking.

I feel like I've lost my best friend. I'm afraid I'm going to have a psychologial breakdown over food. Its just food....its just food....isnt it?

There is a group meeting next Wednesday which I plan on attending. I also look forward to Monday b/c that is my check up and I should be able to move to phase two liquids. I'll be so happy to drink a protein shake...

I guess on the bright side, I got on the scale today (hoping its even right) and it read 272, which means that makes me 5lbs down from Monday.

Day 2-Post Op

Since I was able to sucessfully go to the bathroom several times I was going to finally go home. I couldnt believe it was already Wednesday. The resident came in, asked me how I was feeling, and told me I would be able to go home hopefully around 9.

Of course the nurses were too busy for me, and 9 came and went. My nurse came in and I asked her if she would unhook me so I could shower and get ready to leave, but she said I still had a "cocktail" I needed to have before I could go. I started to cry again and insisted to go home. She told me I could be out of here about 10, that it wouldnt take long.

I paced the halls and tried to watch tv to pass the time. I ordered myself some applce juice and jello but I really didnt want it. At 10 she finally unhooked me and said they'd get the discharge papers together so I could go. She asked me if I wanted to shower and I told her no, I just wanted to get dressed and go.

Of course I had to hound the nurses aid several times for my nurse to get my papers. Rick was here at 10:20 to get me and I didnt get to leave until almost 10:45. I wasnt waiting for transport so I grabbed my bag and my pillow and walked myself out.

I was so happy to be home. First thing I did was get a shower, then I laid down for awhile. It was good to be home, but I knew this was just going to be the beginning of some hard times ahead. Seeing all of this food at home was so hard for me. I opened up a box of chicken wings and just sniffed them. I really hope I did the right thing, because I was starting to feel like this wasnt such a good idea...




My battle scars



Beautiful flowers from one of my favorite people in the world, Becky :)



The balloon that came with them :)

Day 1-Post Op

I slept like crap that night, which I figured I would. I was pushing my pain pump every 8 minutes. After about 4 pumps I could feel enough relief where I was getting about 2 hours of sleep each time.

I got up around 1am and walked around a little more. I was still attached to oxygen, the cath, and the pressure socks, so I had to call a nurse to come in and help me. I really loved my nurses that night. They were very sweet and I enjoyed talking to them. They were very impressed on how much I was moving, but I knew that it wasnt going to last much longer, I was started to feel pain a lot more and the pain in my chest and shoulder from the gas was horrible.

By the morning I felt more drained then I did before I went to sleep. I was up and moving around 7am, and I met one of the nurses who was in her second year of nursing school. Her name was Gina, and she was going to be assisting my nurse today. She came in around 8 and asked me some questions, which I was ok with. You cant learn in a teaching hospital if you dont ask. She asked me if she could go down with me to see my Upper GI being done, and I told her that would be fine, I would like the company.

They took me down a little after 8:30 for the test. Gina and I sat and talked about kids, college, clothing, and just random things. She's real nice, and I think she'll make a great nurse someday. That barium swallow was just horrible, especially since it was the first thing I've had in days. I got back to my room around 9 and asked if I could have my cath out so I could shower.

The nurse came back in a little after 10 and told me I passed the GI test and I could have something. She brought water in and told me I had to drink 30cc's every half hour for 2 hours, then I could order some broth and jello off the menu.

I was exhausted by then, and was having a hard time even staying awake, but I knew I'd be going home in a few hours, which made it better. By noon I was uncathed and had some chicken broth and strawberry jello. I swear it was the most delicious thing I'd ever tasted.

The nurses kept asking me if I had gone to the bathroom on my own yet, and I felt like I had to go, but I couldnt get it out. Eventually they told me if I didnt go the doctor might make me stay. I started to cry hysterically and told them I just wanted to go home. I sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes at a time, trying my hardest (without pushing) to go, I had no success. They did a single cath on me and of course I filled the bag. I begged my nurse Shelly to let me go home, but she said I would have to stay now to make sure I wasnt going to develop a bladder infection.

My phone was almost dead, I've been alone in the hospital all day, and now I was told I'd have to stay another night. Everyone started calling and texting my phone to see if I was home and I just ignored the calls.

My stepdad did eventually stop down for awhile to see me, and brought me my charger. It was nice to see someone. I felt very isolated and alone. And sure enough, after he left I went to the bathroom. It was after 8pm and I knew they werent going to let me go home this late.

I didnt care at all for the nurses I had this night. It took them 2 hours to get me my Roxocet and Ambien. I didnt get them til almost 11. I felt very left out and uncared for. Thankfully, all I had hooked to me was my IV so at this rate I was able to just unplug it and move about on my own.

I slept even worse then I did the night before...

Operation Day

I'm going to do this in 3 parts. I like to be descriptive and write down everything I can remember, so I'm going to start here.

We got to the hospital about 11:30, and went up to the 3rd floor to check me in. I forgot to take my tongue ring out so Rick and I struggled to get it out (I think it was too tight). I started to cry when we couldnt get it out because I was so afraid they'd cancel the surgery. I decided to try one last time when I got back to my pre-op room.

They called my name about 12:30, and I went back into pre-op. I got changed and they took vitals, blood, etc. Thankfully, with the help of some rubber gloves, Rick was able to get my tongue ring out. We sat back there and a few people came in and out and introduced themselves. The anaesthesiologist, the resident doctor, the anesthetist, and finally Dr Hamad came in. She said they were prepping the area and I should be headed back there in about 20 minutes. I was really shocked how fast it went, I thought it would be almost 3 before I got in.

I started to freak a little and cried and told Rick I didnt think I wanted to do this anymore. He hugged me and re-assured me I was going to be great. Then the anesthetist came back and he gave me something to take the edge off. That was a beautiful thing. I told Rick I loved him and they wheeled me back into the operating room. I have to say if it wasnt for those drugs I would probably have ran away.

They got me onto the table and started prepping me. The nurse in there was so sweet. She asked me about my kids, and how I was doing, and I told her (mind you I was very loopy by now), that I was going to be on Dr Hamads wall of fame, and I could hear her laugh from across the room. One of the other nurses told me how beautiful I was and how amazing I was going to do, then I was given the mask and off I went.

I may or may not have woken up before going to the post-op area. I think that I heard Dr Hamad say it was done and everything was great. Recovery was awful for me. I couldnt snap out of it (although the nurses insisted I did just fine). I remember trying so many times to open my eyes, and I would briefly, but since I didnt have my glasses I couldnt see. Eventually I came around and I was able to hold my head up enough and muster out "I want to see my husband now".

I was wheeled up to my room, 4173, where I saw Rick waiting for me. I was so happy to see him. They got all of my medications and pain meds hooked up, took my vitals, and I was able to sit up for awhile and talk to Rick. He gave me a stuffed frog named Luvvies, and he started making calls to let everyone I was doing ok.

My mouth was horribly dry, and since I wasnt allowed anything my tongue was actually getting stuck to my lips when I would try to lick them. Eventually they brought me in a mouth swab but told me I wasnt allowed the water, which was fine, I wasnt in the mood for anything.

I made Rick leave about 7:30, and then I got up for a brief period and walked around. I felt really good, too bad that was the best I was going to feel for awhile...

Happy Re-Birthday to me

Its 10:18am. I swear time wants to go backwards. We're going to leave here in about an hour to get down to the hospital.

I cant believe today is the day. I am so unbelievably nervous. I know everything will be fine but its still scary.

I didnt get a chance to take "before" pics, so I'll just have my husband take them when I get home.

Also, good luck to Janelle today and for you other wonderful gals who are going in this week. I wish you all the best of luck!

Happy Re-birthday to me :)

I'm starting to freak.

I'm hungry :( I know its only 11am and I'm drinking coffee and wishing I had something to eat. These next two days are going to suck, and of course I have to go grocery shopping today. Nothing like being on clears and going food shopping. Then I again I dont have anything for me to even have, minus broth, which I'm saving for when I get really desperate. I need to go get some SF juice and all that jazz.

I'm really starting to freak a little. I know the surgery is simple but the fear is still there, as well as the anxiety. I know this is all for the best for me but I cant help but sit here and ask myself how I let myself get this bad. Why couldnt I do this on my own? Why did I let myself get this fat?

And of course the fears of me not losing weight are already setting in and scaring me. What if I STILL cant do this, even if I do everything right? What happens if I do lose weight but I become so obsessed that even after I hit goal I dont stop? I guess part of me almost wishes that. I know how retarded it sounds.

I need to get working with my therapist soon. You think this would be an easy process. Your fat, you lose weight, your amazing. Yeah, I wish.

Final appointment before surgery

I am down 4.7lbs. Its not the 10-15 pound goal I had hoped, but honestly, I think after I do the 2 days of clear liquids this weekend, I'll probably be down another 4lbs. I'm still proud. I cheated a tiny but but I've been working at it,and a loss is MUCH better then a gain.

I walked into their office this morning almost ready to piss rainbows LOL. I was in a great mood and I was smiling and laughing so much the nurse probably thought I was nuts haha. I am just SOOOO excited. I told the nurse I was going to be one of the patients the doctors had on the "wall of fame".



I asked a few questions to the doctor and got everything I needed answered. I feel very knowledgable and ready for this. I cant wait! They said I'll get a call Friday afternoon to find out what time I need to be at the hospital on Monday.

I'm going to have my husband take pictures of me this weekend. If I feel brave enough (LOL) I'll post them. I'll probably be spending a lot of time cleaning, doing laundry, and getting the grocery shopping done since I'll be out of commission for about a week. I also need to remember to fill my pain reliever prescription and my gull bladder prescription. Lots to do!

Oh, and I completely forgot today was Ash Wednesday, and I ate a Lean Cusine Southwest Chicken penneni for lunch. OOOPS!

Oh, wanted to mention, a lot of you other LB girls are doing that pre-op diet, my doc said I didnt have to do anything like that, and they dont do it unless people have A LOT of weight to lose, which kinda surprised me since I think some of you are actually less then me. But thats here nor there, and I have a few days left to eat food LOL.

Sooooooooooooooooo excited!! YAY me!

Its got to be illegal to be this hungry

What a major suckfest. I'm only on "day 2" of my pre-op diet (which I should state I went on myself, my dr didnt tell me anything). I know everyones pre-op is tailored to different people, but it seems this is the one everyone is on.

1 protein shake for breakfast (with my coffee of course)
1 protein shake for lunch
And at this rate just a low calorie dinner (apparently everyone in the world has gone out and bought every Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers dinner on the face of the planet).

I feel sick, all of the time. I broke down this afternoon and had a protein bar, because I thought I was going to pass out on the floor at Target. (Which, by the way, had NO premade meals.) I dont understand how people can live on 400-500 calories, I cant also figure out how ANYONE would want to be anorexic. Then again, I'm sure people wonder how a person like me could shove almost 2500 calories+ in their mouth a day.

I was supposed to see the PCP to get my clearance form filled out last Thursday, but of course this awful storm closed their office. Its re-scheduled for Monday but good 'ol weatherman is saying we could get another half a foot dumped on us again. Fanfuckingtastic.

I just lifted my son out of his highchair, and it was such a struggle. I have no strength, none. How can I survive another 8 days like this? There is no way it can get easier, but I can pray it will.

I still hate the scale. Its been reeking havoc on my mind. I know I'm a scale whore, but it would be nice to know what I actually DO weigh, instead of seeing 4 diffrerent weights through the day.

I wish I could stop whining, but I feel so poorly and I know its because I went from eating a gazillion calories a day to about 500.

Please let the next 8 days go quickly....

Another one bites the dust.

I have to say, I'm really proud of myself. I've lost 3lbs since I last wrote (which was what? Tuesday?) I've been writing down everything I eat as well as how many calories are in each item. Right now I'm trying to stick to 1500 calories a day, until next Friday when I start my 10 day liquid diet.

The first day, I have to be honest, I felt like I was starving, all of the time. Yesterday, I really wasnt hungry at all, in fact, I only ate about 700 calories. Today, a bit of in between. I was craving Hershey Kisses and instead of smacking myself for even considering them, I had them. I counted out 9 kisses (suggested serving size) and I ate them slowly, and I have to say I enjoyed them a lot more I believe.

I did buy an anniversery cake for my husband and I, since our 2nd wedding anniversery is on Tuesday, and I plan to eat my share and not feel guilty, since it will be one of my last indulging guilty pleasures for awhile. (I'll come back and post a picture of it later)

I am so psyched for my surgery. It really is the only thing I think about, day in and day out. Which might be a little obsessive, especially since I cant stay off the scale. I've decided the weight I see about 2 hours after I wake up is the weight I stick with. I hate being scale obsessed, but its so amazing to see how much my weight changes throughout the day.

If I can stick to this losing a pound a day I'll be in good shape when surgery time comes. Keeping my thoughts positive and my head held high.

Pay attention to what you put in your mouth, it could kill you

I went out and bought a better scale today. The one I had now was a horrible piece of crap and never gave me the same weight twice. Oddly enough I ended up buying the Biggest Loser scale, it was on sale and I heard some pretty good things about it.

Well of course I step on the scale and it couldnt have read more accurate, but to my dismay I have gained another 1.5lbs. This just makes me want to work that much harder.

I bought myself a few of my own "staple" items. I like to eat cereal but lately I havent made the best choices, so I bought the special K chocolatey delight and 1% milk. Its amazing that there is a 40 calorie difference between whole and 1%. I also picked up some more of my protein shakes and a box of the protein bars. Since the protein bars are $7 for a box of 4, I think I will just these to control my chocolate cravings I seem to get around 7:30-8pm.

I am also documenting all of the calories that go into my mouth. I know this is the best way to lose weight, is to write it all down.

But besides that, I got all of my information from the surgon today, and it was actually a relief that they have already scheduled my follow up appointments. I have a 7 day, 6 week, and 12 week appointments already scheduled. The 6 and 12 week appoinments are for my fills and progress.

Lets hope I can get this 1.5lbs off by at least Thursday.

21 days, time to challenge myself.

I made the appointment today with my PCP (well, not my actual PCP since she's only a PA) for the 11th to get my clearance. Whats so great is thats next week. I love when months start on Mondays, they seem to go faster.

I've been doing a lot of wrong the past week. I've been eating everything in sight and I know that if I dont stop my surgery could be cancelled. I've decided to challenge myself. I have 21 days left until my surgery, so starting tomorrow, I am going to challenge myself to lose 20lbs in 20 days. Its going to be really hard but its also going to jump start me for my new life.

I'll be getting weighed next Thursday at my PCP's, so that will be my first "checkpoint". I will be weighed again at the surgons on the 17th, so that will be closely the last "checkpoint" for me until the 22nd.

I'm also heading back into the gym for these next 20 days. I'm going to do 1 hour of cardio at least 3 days a week.

Wish me luck, lord knows I'll need it!

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

24 Days

24 days until my surgery. I couldn't wait any longer so I called the surgons office this morning. They said because I was supposed to be off of birth control for a month that I would have to wait. I was a little disappointed but it will give me time to prepare a little more. She said they do the surgeries on Monday and Fridays and gave me the decision for the 22nd or the 26th, and I chose the 22nd because I just cant wait any longer.

I have a pre-operative visit with Dr Hamad on the 17th, and they'll give me my prescriptions I'll need and information I'll need to know when I leave the hospital. Tentatively I'll go in around 10:30 in the morning so I'll get to go home the next morning.

I have no idea whats going to happen when I get home. I dont know who's going to be able to be here to help me once Rick goes back to work. I cant expect people to just call off work and spend 2 weeks at my house, but I feel like I'm not going to have much of a support system. I know it sounds terrible but everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and have things to do, and I cant expect them to change everything for me. I wont be able to lift Lucas for at least 3 weeks, and that is really going to make it hard because I have to drive Hollie to school (I dont know what the "rules" are yet for driving) and I wont be able to lift him into the car, or into his highchair, or in his crib.

I should be so excited, but I'm stressed. I'm hoping things will fall into place and we can work things out. Rick and I are supposed to talk tonight but I'm sure it'll be like the big white elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about.

24 days....24 days...

The call I've been waiting for.

I got a call from the surgons office this morning. I told her I was just about to call her and she said "Oh?" I told her I was going to let her know that Lifeline sleep center faxed over the information they needed for my CPAP, and I also got all of the bloodwork (11 viles!!) done they needed this morning. She said that was very good, and asked me if I still was using my nuva ring. (I read in my booklet that I was given you are to stop birth control 1 month before surgery, but no one told me when to stop since I didnt know how long til I heard something). I told her yes and she told me to stop using it now, then she kind of mumbled something to herself, like counting (I guess counting days until the hormones would be clear of my body?). She said "Well it looks like you've been approved so we will be calling you later this week with your surgery date". I was so excited, and she sounded happy for me and told me she knew I was waiting and anxious. I thanked her and started texting and calling people.

I should be so happy and preparing, but instead I feel almost crushed inside right now. The person who I thought would be my biggest supporter is turning out to be my worst enemy right now. My husband, the one who vowed to be there for better or worse, for sickness and in health. I found out through a mutual friend that he's more concerned about being able to take his car to Philly in March rather then working out how long he will be off to take care of his wife, from her major surgery.

He keeps telling me he's not sure how long he can take off work (he has 2 weeks vacation and 3 personal days), and that he'll have his mom come over and help. I dont want his mother, I want my husband. I really wish he would have come to the seminar with him. Maybe he'd understand that for almost 2 weeks I will not be able to leave the couch, and that for the first few weeks I will be vomiting all of the time, and I cannot lift anything (like our son) for a few weeks. He thinks its like having a baby, you take a few days off, then everything is great. (Though us mothers know its not like that at ALL).

I dont even know what to say. I feel like I've lost any support I had (I know you all care, but I know I cant expect my internet friends to take care of me LOL).

I dont want to talk to him right now. I'm too hurt and angry, and I feel very unloved.

I will pray. I will pray my husband realizes what he's doing. I'll pray that he'll change after he sees this isnt some easy surgery. This is life changing.

Weight Stats

I was finally able to get into my old blog, I forgot the password to it, so I'm going to move some things from there over here, and I thought what better then my weight stats. They start in April 09 when I started Weight Watchers, and is also my records of my 6 month pre-op weights.

Weight at end of Lucas's pregnancy- 305lbs
Weight at 6 weeks PP-280lbs
Weight at 12 weeks PP-270lbs
Weight on 4.9.09 (first day of WW)-287.6lbs
4.16.09-284lbs
4.22.09- 282.4lbs
4.30.09- 283.2lbs
5.5.09- 277.2lbs
5.13.09- 275.2lbs
5.19.09- 272.4lbs
5.28.09- 273lbs
6.10.09- 271.6lbs
6.18.09- 273.2lbs
6.24.09- 273.4lbs
7.3.09- 272lbs
7.10.09- 273.6lbs
7.16.09- 272.8lbs
7.29.09- 276.2lbs
8.12./09- 272lbs
8.19.09- 271.2lbs
9.11.09- 275lbs
10.12.09-281lbs
11.14.09-280lbs
12.11.09-280lbs
1.4.10-279lbs

Recieved call #1

I am so nervous, its finally hit me that this is going to happen. The surgons office called today and said they need a few extra things of bloodwork and the settings for my CPAP and they've got everything they need. They said they have what they need to submit to the insurance so its going to be looked over one more time and will be submit by Wednesday next week, which means in 7-10 days I will hear from the insurance on their decision.

I'm so ready for this. I am ready to eat to live, not live to eat. I know the band is only a tool and its not going to work miracles itself, but I actually have a fighting chance now. I wont forever be known as the one with the "pretty face".

I've decided after I hear back, I am going to go buy a pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller then what I wear now, and that will be my first goal. Looking at the big, long term goal is so frusterating, but I know setting smaller goals will be a lot easier to reach.

This is good. Things are good, and I'm praying it stays this way.

All You Can Eat Buffets-A fat persons dream, a skinny persons nightmare.

I know I shouldnt be doing the whole "last meal" (or, meals thing), but we went to the Golden Correl tonight for dinner. I dont eat myself stupid (at least not there), but I made a comment to Rick that at least I wouldnt feel like total crap because I wouldnt be the only really large person there (and I've seen some large people there before).

I'm still having portion problems, and telling myself enough is enough, yet I worry about what other people say about me when I'm eating. I always feel like the fattest person in the room (and who knows, maybe I am sometimes), and I feel like people are sitting there watching me shove food in my mouth. Its disgusting to look at what I eat, then I turn around and look at the next fat person and go "dear god, are you really going to eat all of that?". I guess if I deserve to be criticized as well then.

I can see my reflection in my kitchen windows, and at this rate, I could cry. You'd think seeing my fat ass in the window would trigger the "stop eating fatso" nerve in my brain, but it doesnt. I know I'm being hard on myself today. I'm fed up, yet I'm still not changing?

I think I should start seeing a therapist now, who specializes with obese people and weight loss surgery. I also think I should take my Welbutrin (does it come as a surprise that I still havent taken it?). I also think I should do less taking and take more action.

I had such a horrible morning that I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes. I quit smoking over a year ago and here I am, with a pack that I refuse to waste. Maybe if I smoke for awhile I'll eat less (yes, I KNOW thats not a good excuse). I'm obviously not going to be able to "keep up the habit", since smoking after surgery is very frowned upon. I'm an idiot, but I'm not throwing $7 down the drain.

I can only hope these feelings will stop soon. I'm starting to wonder if the thought of being thin again is depressing me even more....

I've created my own prision

I'm having "one of those days". No matter which way I turn in the mirror, no matter how I style my hair, I cant satisfy myself today. I had hoped buying new sweaters, actually fixing my hair, and putting makeup on would make me feel better. I can only hope its my period making me feel this way, although its not changing my appearance.

I keep telling myself "today is the day you start your Welbutrin", yet here I sit, another day gone by, and I still havent taken it. I'm so afraid, but I'm more afraid that this wait is going to drive me mad. Tomorrow. I will take it tomorrow.

Thanks to a friend and her research, I feel a little more confident about the surgery being approved by the insurance. I dont think I can really breathe a sigh of relief until I get the call.

I think the blogging has helped some, although I still have so much that hasnt been written, feelings to be exposed, thoughts to script, and who knows what else hiding inside my head.

I need to take my "before" photos soon. I may not post them right away, but then again, I need to see them everyday. I need to remind myself everyday of what I've done, and what I'm doing to change it all.

I daydream about the new me all of the time. I think about the clothes I'll wear constantly (yeah, somewhere inside IS a girl). I get excited of the thought of buying something in a normal clothing store. I have a feeling once I hit my goal the husband will have to take a loan out. My mother promised me $1,000 for a shopping spree, but anyone who knows my mother can only laugh along with me. But damn, the things I could buy...

How funny. The local news is doing a story on weight loss surgery and how people need to lose weight before the surgery. If only they knew how hard that actually is.

Well, this can be chalked up as my "scatter brain" blog for the week.

Dietician.

Well this is it. I've completed the final steps in my pre-op. I met with Melinda (the nutritionist) today. We went over things about how many calories I should consuming after surgery and how much protein I should be getting. She also addressed I have a serious problem with coffee and chocolate (I already knew this). She's suggested to cut down from 2 pots a day (yes, on certain days I will actually drink two pots) to about 2-3 cups then switch solely to decaf for the remainder of the day. I think this wouldnt be too hard to accomplish, however the chocolate could be.

Rick has decided to quit smoking, which, dont get me wrong, is wonderful, but the man must stop eating everything in the house and eating chocolate like its a vegatable. Unfortunatly, due to his peer pressure he hasnt helped me very much, and I find myself helping him finish off a bag of hershey kisses. I wish I could purge the house of everything that isnt healthy, but I cant deny everyone else what I can only have now in small moderations.

I asked Melinda about my gain that has had me in shambles the the past few weeks. I told her that Dr Hamads office told me if I didnt get back near my starting weight (the gain due to the Welbutrin), my insurance would deny the surgery. She asked me what insurance I had and she told me they wouldnt deny me. So I'm putting my trust in her and hoping what she said is true.

She's going to submit her report to Dr Hamads by Tuesday at the latest, and she said if things move quick enough I could have a February surgery date. I would love to be able to get banded next month.

I requested for the surgons office to call me when they submitted to the insurance, so I'd have some idea of when this will take place. If everything is in place and reviewed, I am assuming they will submit next Friday to the insurance, so, I guess we'll see.

The end of one road, the beginning of another.

At 25 years old, I never thought I'd never have to stare death in the face. I've battled my weight my entire life, and after having children, it hasnt gotten any easier.

I currently break the scale at 280lbs. I started my journey toward the LapBand surgery 6 months ago, and due to being put on an anti-depressant, I had gained 7lbs that I struggled so badly to lose. I had started the 6 month doctor supervised diet at 272. Tomorrow will be my very last pre-operative testing I need to go through. The Nutritionist.

I had to write a journal of the foods I ate for the past month, and many times I lied. I'm so ashamed of what goes in my mouth. I'm ashamed at how much I can eat and still not feel full. I look forward to meeting with her, and finding out what I really should be eating and how much. Its so easy yet so unbelievably hard.

For those who know me know how much stress and pressure I am under on a day to day basis, and my comfort is food. The horrible 4 letter word. I stress eat, I eat because I'm bored. I eat, and eat, and eat. Right now, I'm sitting here wondering what I plan to stuff in my face after I'm done writing this.

I hope to be able to keep up with this. I need to do this. I need some kind of unbiased outlet. I get mixed support with this surgery and it seems lately the negative is getting to me more then the positive.

I pray my health insurance will see how much I need this. I have already been told by the surgon if I didnt get back to my "starting weight", they could very well deny me, and I've failed to do so. Oh the irony. I cant lose weight on my own so have been working on getting weight loss surgery, yet they will deny because I cant lose weight? I need prayers, thoughts, good vibes, whatever.

I'll be glad when this month is over. I need to know which way my life is going to go. Shame the insurance company holds my life in their hands....